The Pregnancy Debate

Should I or Shouldn't I? That is the question!!! 



      Regardless of how much or how little your government and society would like to take full control of your reproductive organs, I believe women (at least in first world countries such as the United States and most of the West) both young and middle aged should have complete control over their autonomy.  That includes but aren't limited to whether or not they should have children, how many children they should give birth to and when that choice is made. I cannot figure out for the life of me why women still in the year of 2014 are getting "knocked up" with all of the medical advances in technology and science. Pills, surgery, condoms, patches and all the like primary goal is to prevent pregnancies but  still we have these women who get pregnant and end up on welfare because of it. Sometimes knowing full well they and their children will be dependent on it for the rest of their life's.

     My issue is that getting pregnant is a choice. A life long decision that affects you forever until you or unfortunately your child dies. I do not believe there is a such thing as mistakenly getting pregnant. You had sex, you might very well have had sex without a condom. You, being a woman, know the full repercussion to sex without wearing any protection. You know the odds are that you can get pregnant.

     And if you are one who do not want to get pregnant the odds were  actually stacked up against you in the first place. I grow frustrated when I see young women not taking responsibility for their own actions. They aren't taken account for what they did and did not do nor do they show any bearings of their making. As the years go by I see my close and estrange friends continually making the same bad decisions which are to have children when they are unmarried and young. Face the facts children need two parents in the same home regardless of gender.

      Children growing up in a single parent household are depraved of the joys of having two loving parents that enrich their lives. I don't want to recount some honey sweet story about a single mom doing it all and raising highly successful children who are wonderful members of society. Such stories as that does exist but not nearly in the numbers as those children born to crack/heroin addicted mothers who drop out of high school and go to jail in droves. Let's face it, the young single mothers cycle is a lose/lose situation where almost no one wins. For these children growing up in these conditions it is very hard for them to overcome the uphill battle they face.

       Not to be too harsh, to me, it's a stupid decision. And again I say a decision because just as easily is it to have sex without a condom it could have been just as easy to put on a condom, choose abstinence or used any other form of birth control. I am not here to condemn anyone. I just want to talk some sense into these women who make such life altering quick decisions. I understand to a point. Everything seems fun when your young and carefree, the younger you are the more probable you are to make snap decisions that can cost you in the long run. I feel getting pregnant at eighteen up to twenty four is one of those decisions. I just want to talk sense into people who engage in these risky choices. 

       I believe only healthy, responsible adults should have sex since they are the only grouping of people who are physically, mentally and emotionally ready for sex in all of it's forms. Sex in it's truest, rawest form isn't detrimental or sloppy or gross. It is nice, it is rough, it is gentle, it is natural, invigorating, fun, and relaxing. It is something two people in a monogamous relationship or five people in a orgy do out of love or fun or sexual exploration. Sex happens in a multiple marriage or in open relationships where all parties are fully aware of all precautions and joys of the act they will be participating in. 

     Sometimes I wonder if these young women truly get it. Most times these very women grew up in fatherless single parent households. Why can't they see that they inadvertently are 
throwing away their life's? Some less sensitive people just chalk it all up to laziness and low intelligence. Do they not understand their mother's plight? Do they not understand that they are matrons of the state and that welfare is in their near future? Maybe they do not care. And then to that I say I do not care as well. There are no solutions for them.

Let’s pose a question: What if?

What if yesterday I allowed fear to hold me back from placing my four original poetry into Ms. Lisa Shaw’s bin outside of her office door? I may win this contest, I may not. Only time will tell but I did take a risk. If I do not win this contest I will take another and then another and then another. I will keep getting my work out any way I know how. You cannot allow fear to hold you back. One of my favorite quotes was presented to me by an old Disney movie Akeelah and the Bee.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” _ Marianne Williamson

The two first verse were present in the movie, and those two lines were amazing. I loved the scene between Akeelah and her mentor, Dr. Larabee, it was so inspirational to me, as was the entire story. I am thoroughly glad to have seen that movie. Fear is what holds us back. Fear is what holds me back from greatness. The fear to succeed, the fear to fail, the fear of life.

Call Me a Woman. Not a Female!!!

When I hear someone refer to an adult woman or young girl as female. My skin begins to crawl. I am overly disgusted by the word when used in that context. It makes me think the person believe women are nothing more than female dogs. The word female usually have some type of negative meaning attach to it when used in regular conversation. Which to me, starts to have a negative connotation. I’m fine with bubbling female on a college form. But do NOT call me a female. 

That is my sex that is my gender but that isn't me in entirety. I absolutely am repulsed at stereotypes (they may be funny in some ways) but overall are detrimental to everyone involved. I simply despise female myths, gender norms and stereotypes the most, because it is one of the biggest insults that make me gag. The fact of the matter is: Do Not Call Me a Female. I am a woman, a lady or Kelly. 

You can call me any of those three without leading to assault. Well I've seen some misogynist use the word woman and lady against women but their argument were always faulty and blew up in their faces. I digress, women as much as men can be misogynist so I am talking to you, LADIES out there as well.

#WordsMatter

#WORDSMATTER and impact our lives.

 I was having a discussion on YouTube as I usually do, I love conversing right before or after watching a nice enjoyable video, when I came across one of the many mean ridiculous comments. The link to the video: Ban Bossy -I'm Not Bossy. I'm the Boss. https://www.youtube.com/watchv=6dynbzMlCcw J 

This commentator believed that women in America shouldn't care about “harmless” issues that do not affect the American people as much as say poverty levels and health care. Just because American women might have more rights than women in the Sudan or Saudi Arabia does not mean women in America should just stop fighting for equal rights or for more freedom. That is such a stupid notion to even presume. The fact of the matter is that small problems leads to big problems. Such a “small” insignificant problem like this will grow and become disastrous as seen in every day “free” society. 

He or she believed calling a little girl bossy isn't a problem.  That the word BOSSY wasn't a problem word. But it is and the word hypothetically should be banned. Why, you ask? Because the word bossy leans in to other words these little girls will hear throughout her life. Bitch, hoe, slut, whore, cunt are only a few words that will be used to degrade, to dismantle and eradicate the self-esteem of them. This was the conversation I had with him.

Akantor77: watching this video and reading the comments i can only think of MURICA



Me: What's that supposed to mean?

Akantor77: complaining about a word, where they have a huge problem with the weapon loby and the heath system

Me: #WORDSMATTER and impact our lives.

Me: Telling a little girl she's bossy will have an adverse effect on her long time wise. She will stop raising her hand in class to speak, she will avoid leadership roles and positions, and she will doubt herself. Because girls aren't meant to lead. <- Sarcasm, did you catch that? I was that girl and many of my peers where and might still be that girl. I am a freshmen college student I will try not to be that girl because I have no excuse. My college president is a beautiful woman. 

My club adviser is a beautiful woman. My student government president is a beautiful young woman, women can be great leaders because I see it every day. I live it. I breathe it. I am a leader. Now this self-doubt or perpetual cycle doesn't happen with every girl or woman but a good many. Think before you speak, the issue is way deeper than what you think it is.

What I would like to ask him or her is, who will fight for other people’s injustices, if you do not care? If no one cared? People who do not fight stands in the way of people who do. If you’re not part of the conversation/solution than you are part of the problem. #BanBossy

Rocky Balboa's inspirational speech

                                                                                                    

      Rocky’s speech to his son was very inspirational. There was a point in the iconic film when I felt Rocky’s emotion as he explained to his son that cowards blame others for their failures. Instead of taking the blame and rectifying the situation the son blamed his father for all of his down falls and for his boss treating him badly.  One of the things that resonates with me is when Rocky explained that life isn’t sweet, nice and perfect. That life, in fact, is cruel and will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. 

I also was blown away by this strong statement, “You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life, but it isn't about how hard you can hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward, that’s how winning is done!!!”

I love that part because, I've been told this in not so many words. Being a sensitive person with a enormous heart, I definitely have learned this in the most awkward of situations. I still have to realize that life isn't going to just hand me over “the prize." Meditation force me to realize I was not going to get the good life if it meant I would be sitting on my butt not doing anything to get to where I need to go.  I've seen time and time again that I wasn't going to be treated like a princess just because I wanted to be. I have recognized that, if you want something you have to go and get it. This video was a nice reflection of the life lessons I will continuously have to remember.

Results from Career Planning: Interest Profiler

      My top interest areas are investigative and social. With investigative, I am a “thinker”. I enjoy observing, learning and evaluating. I can say that sounds a lot like me aside from, the statement: “You often use science and math in problem solving.” I try to stay away from math as much as I can since I’m not so good in that area. But there’s a lot in science that interest me and that I enjoy. So I would say that statement is partially true.

     The other interest area is social, I am a helper. I enjoy assisting people in various ways. Which sounds like me as well. If I know how to help, have the ability to help and have the opportunity, I do. My career results were very typical. I knew I would get a lot of careers in the health science-medical field because that is the exact field I think I would like to pursue but at this point that can changed.

     I was half surprise when I saw Anesthesiologist among the other sixty nine choices. One of the careers I’m contemplating with is being a Peri-anesthesia Nurse after I become a Registered Nurse. Actually Registered Nurse was one of the options that popped up in the list. Which, made me glad that the quiz thought I align great with this profession and reinforce what I already thought about nursing. I believe being a Registered Nurse would be a good career for me because I get similar experiences as a doctor would without all the years a doctor have to go through to become certified.

     I also like the pay of a Registered Nurse, which in Florida is sixty four thousand, eight hundred fifty-four. I appreciate that Registered Nurses have the ability to move up in their field and even have areas of expertise. Another medical profession that appeared on the list was a Nurse Practitioner, which is a practical direction for me to go down, especially since I would like to become a Registered Nurse. In order to be a Nurse Practitioner I would have to pursue a Master’s degree, which isn't particularly bad. But I would rather get a bachelor degree first, enter into the work field and then finish my education instead of being in school for six maybe eight years straight. Occupations I won’t likely be interested in anytime in the near future are an animal trainer or an oral surgeon. 

     I love animals which is probably the reason why animal trainer was an option on the list. But I do not want to work with animals in my profession, maybe as a personal hobby I would be an animal trainer or dog walker. And I’m not in the least interested in being an Oral Surgeon, the pay in Florida looks wonderful at a hundred and eighty-one thousand, six hundred and eighty eight dollars a year. After looking at the full list Dietitian/Nutritionist and Anthropologist has peaked my interest. What I don’t understand is that Anthropologist have to have a Master’s degree but only get paid fifty-five thousand, seven hundred forty four dollars. If I had to get a Master’s to be a part of a career field I believe I should get paid in the hundred thousand with room to move up to a higher position and with specialization.

      I read on a website article that, “Anthropologists tackle big human problems, such as overpopulation, warfare, and poverty.” Which I believe to be a cool and respected career choice. To be able to impact humanity in such a way is inspiring and a big choice if I ever decide to go down that route. The Bureau of Labor Statistics define Dietitians and nutritionists as experts in food and nutrition. They advise people on what to eat in order to lead a healthy lifestyle or achieve a specific health-related goal. 

      This career resonates with me because of one of the reasons I would like to go into the health field, is to help people with their life styles and diet. With all these professions in mind I see my college journey being a lot more interesting as I realize which profession I would truly like to be apart of by the time I transfer from Miami Dade College.

Transitioning From high school to college

So you've made the epic journey from high school to college. Congratulations!! For some of you this particular journey may have been difficult while for others it was nothing more than a piece of cake. I see you now wear the College Freshman badge of honor. Wear it proudly but remember, do not boast. Hundreds of thousands of others have been right here at this crucial cross section where you are now. Your new voyage begins now since you have made the walk from child to young adult.

You have only been in college for a few months and you have already had your fair share of hurdles and bumps in the road. Maybe you made a common Freshman mistake by unwisely registering for classes late, giving you no room to choose your own schedule and professors, which for you was mistake number one. You could have even chose to accept advice that was not so sound about a problem class of yours. Despite your gut instinct to not change a class, you felt that your decision was deemed necessary to further your future at Miami Dade College. And afraid you might come up short, you inevitably took the guidance given and changed one of your classes. This in turn created a domino effect on your whole schedule, making it look dramatically different.

And even with all of this mess you've found out you've created, more trouble was yet to come. I know what comes after these detail of events. "Because of what you thought to be trusted advice, that turned out to be just as bad as a rotten apple, your whole schedule changed."Am I right? Originally all of your classes were covered by financial aid, but with that one little change you, the helpless Freshman, that you would have to come up with your own money to pay for a class. So keeping all that in mind you sucked up my pride, owned up to your mistake and buckled up for a whole new experience. Let me guess?

What you learned quickly is that in college you have to pay for everything, whether by financial aid or out of pocket, everything is money oriented and everything is expensive: books, classes and fees. Yep that pretty much sounds like college alright. In high school, especially public schools, the school already issues you books or your parents had to pay for a sixty dollar hard cover that would last you the whole year in that one class. You just didn't have to worry about buying multiple books for multiple classes in a short period of time. Now have you learned your lesson yet? Well, good! Do not let this stressful experience deter you from finding a good role model during your college experience. Nor should you let it discourage you from taking risks and sticking to your guns.

Now that you've seen the errors of your ways I will give you three game plans to further your success as a College Freshman, not only will you be able to keep these tips for Freshman year but throughout out your stay in college and long after. One of my first strategies for you is to seek out an older more mature individual from the Mentoring Program at the college or university you attend. Hopefully you'll choose to be at Miami Dade College for your first two years. Since you might not have had that significant guidance at your high school, this choice may even push you ahead to succeed in your future career. You should look forward to receiving advice from a trusted source that has your very best interest at heart and wants nothing but the best for you in your future endeavors.

Since you may have never had a mentor before, you should open your mind up to see this experience as something, fresh and new. This will be one of your first but not last new experiences in college I’m sure. You should begin getting in the mind frame of college as a whole new world where opportunities are abundant. In college the resources are not only plentiful but almost endless. In high school there were always some kind of restrictions from achieving what you set out to do.  Right now it is vital that you focus and keep your eyes on the prize because you are now closer than you have ever been to your dreams and aspirations. In fact so close that you can almost touch it. Now in college your professors and new peers see you as an adult, a stark contrast to life in high school when you had teachers that babied you and your classmates to the highest degree.

They carried your classmates and perhaps yourself, along without much enthusiasm, merely passing along students who did not care. Perhaps the administration was the most patronizing, they may be treated the students like children. And you've notice although there were some teachers that babied their students, there were some that actually cared. In college there’s no middle man holding a student’s hand nor is there any one screaming down students’ throats. A student has different choices they can pick.  They can either come to class and learn or not come to class, do no work and fail the class.

And unlike high school where if you fail a class you have to pay out of pocket for said class. So I have decided that planning both my short term and long term goals in a reasonable time frame, is essential to my success in college. My second strategy for you will be time management, I have seen both in my senior year in high school and my Freshman year in college that time management is essential for everyone's overall sanity as a college student. Whenever I had gotten lazy no one could get me to do anything. Not homework, classwork or quizzes, all I want to do is bundle up and go to sleep. With this type of thinking I have majorly affected myself whenever I needed assignments to be completed.

For instance, in my virtual Music class there were a list of assignments that must be completed during an assigned time period. For part three of chapter nine I was so lazy and run down I didn't even attempt to do any of the work. My grade went down from a high A to a D. If I had managed my time more effectively I wouldn't have felt over stressed and skipped my assignments. My grade would have stayed an A and I wouldn't have had to ask my professor for makeup work. Time management and the way you choose what’s important in your life will be a huge factor in how smooth the rest of your Freshman year goes.

When in my senior year of high school, I could slip by with my careless time management skills, and get away with it. I found out quickly that in college I won’t be able to get by with these types of choices and neither can you. College is just too fast paced and advanced for you to slack off and try to make up work. With all this in mind I came up with my third strategy for you, which is to use math labs and tutors as a tool during your two years at Miami Dade College.  If you know you’re not the best at math, to be able to keep up in your math class, you might want to decide to ask for some extra assistance in order to pass the class. Plan days when you have free time to go met up with a math tutor.

You could create these free time periods around your class schedule. A goal to remember is to go before and after classes start. Creating a relationship with a math tutor that can connect with you will be a huge advantage you have over your peers. It can aid you in your assignments and will be beyond beneficial in your two years college journey at Miami Dade College. You really are ambitious, you have dealt with schedule changes, financial aid problems, misguided advice and a huge list of books you had to pay for in your very first year. So on and make me proud. You are now interested in the Mentoring Program, getting assistance from math tutors in the math labs and figuring out a way to manage your time effectively and efficiently.  Using the many resources available at Miami Dade College and keeping time management in mind, I predict that the rest of your two years will include many advantages and opportunities to your future education journey _KM

Human Rights: What Is It And Should The Health Of The Country Be Reflected In It?

  

People are getting fatter and fatter every day, fatness leads to bad health and that in turn develops into illness and disease, sometimes irreversible side effects form from unhealthy practices. A study has been released in June by the United Nations Food and Agricultural Organization (FAO) that about 70 percent of Mexican adults are considered to be overweight. The United States of America is the second fattest nation on Earth, after Mexico. Not only are the majority of Americans obese and overweight, Americans also having horrible lifestyles that affect their health. The United States is a country where health is important in continuing progression to an equal society; it also is a model for foreign countries in how to resolve domestic disputes. Health care should be easily accessible to everyone living in the Unites States regardless of disability, ethnicity, religion or legal citizenship.    

    

Free health care should be an inalienable right. Human rights are the recognition of the inherent dignity and of the equal and inalienable rights of all members of the human family. Human rights are the foundation of freedom, justice and peace in the world. When it comes to human rights the United States is one of the freest countries in the world. Homosexuals doesn't get stone to death just for having a different sexual orientation, women aren't restricted to stay at home and be caregivers, young children aren't sold as child soldiers in wars, in a lot of countries around the world occurrences like these are the norm in their society. The United States government should allow health care to be free in order to support its sick citizens, health insurance should be non-existent.

Water, shelter, food and clothes should be given freely to people of the United States, as well as free health care and insurance in order to facilitate such a huge, fully functioning society. Without food, shelter and water people will die slow painful deaths in the most agonizing ways. Whenever someone gets sick they either go to a private clinic, free clinic or hospital to aid with their disability, illness or disease. And since someone will always get sick health care should be available to everyone living within the United States borders whether they are legal citizens or illegals.  The US News and World Report states,“About six in ten people are either overweight or obese in the United States and large numbers are engaging in unhealthy behaviors like smoking, heavy drinking or not exercising.”

Health care shouldn't be whether or not someone has a standard full paying job. Only people wealthy enough for quality health insurance receive any benefits of health care having a fee. These wealthy people, who have a continuous income, pay for the best health insurance that covers expensive costs. People of every ethnicity and religion, whom are middle class and poverty stricken often, are excluded in receiving quality health coverage and often times no health coverage. The disparity gap between the rich and poor in health care is often times discouraging and unfair to those who cannot afford it.

Health care is essential to any viable society, including the United States. People living within the U.S borders should have full health coverage with minimal to no health insurance. There is a lack of health insurance in a lot of American homes irrespective of disability, ethnicity, religion or legal citizenship.  As Americans continue into the downward spiral of a secondary life, with few physical exercises, and unhealthy eating habits the United States government should start cutting down health insurance fees or even getting rid of it completely. The inalienable right of every person in America should be questioned in regards to health care and how it is handled now and in the future years. _KM

ENC1101

December 12, 2013

Is this what I want?

Do I even know what I want? A career hunt

I wrote this essay in hopes of being accepted into a Summer Medical and Dental Education Program. But my classic uncertainty have come back to bite me. Among other problems, I seem to find a career that interest me for a week, gush over it, dream about it and then every time, every time slowly but surely low interest bit by bit. If it is not the waning interest that gets me it is the self-doubt. So since the deadline for the Program have already passed I guess I can just give this post to you, my viewers. I've written the essay to myself kind of like a self-reflection diary entry for purpose sake hence the "Dear Kelly."

Dear Kelly,

         It’s taken me a while to get here, a place I honestly thought I would never find. But at last I’m here. I know I have a purpose and it’s for me to get my baccalaureates as a Registered Nurse. Then continue my education in order to become a Nurse practitioner, finishing up with my Masters then a PhD. There are many nurses on my dad side of the family, but that is not why I chose to become a nurse, at least not fully. I would like to be a nurse because I feel that is my life calling, my duty as a person to enter into this big world and help the public's health with my knowledge and expertise.

          I envision myself in an office, no... A huge busy hospital located right smack in the overcrowded city of downtown. While pursuing my higher education in getting my Masters and PhD. in medicine, with spare time I would volunteer at local shelters of the abuse and needy and give a helping hand without any want of a payment or gift in return. I dream of taking many study abroad trips to places both familiar and exotic, far and wide. To places with extreme poverty where there isn't enough money for locals to pay for medical relieve for their health problems, illness and diseases like South Sudan or Indonesian. And although I could also see myself in upscale nice suburban communities I feel my best efforts will multiple more if I could help those who needed it the most.

          And this is where my passion has grown-from the need and want to help others with sickness and no hope left. Being a person whose had health problems because of an unhealthy diet, poor health care and not much else help to go by, I know personally how it feels to not be able to get medical help because of lack of access. Luckily now, I am able to get Medicare for my health problems, but I do not know for how long. As I get more informed about my health I am able to treat my body with better nutrition and care for myself mentally. When I was sixteen I was diagnose with Type two Diabetes and of course I knew it was because of my ignorance of proper health care, I can honestly say I am getting better in my choices. And I chose to be healthy, strong and mindful of what I put in and on my body as regards to food, medicine, beauty products and other items.

           I can see the progress I am making and that encourages me more. The better I look, the better I feel, the better I feel, and the better I want to make adjustments to my diet, exercise regime and overall lifestyle. Of course there are influential people that I have come in contact with whom have push me in the right direction, albeit at times, a little more forceful than required. I wouldn't have research all the health problems I would encounter if it wasn't for my doctor who gave me the necessary truth nor would I have felt comfortable as my blood was drawn out into a sharp needle if it weren't for the nurses that help me through this terrible time while I was vulnerable and sad. I would like to help many people across the world with those same warm hands that help me through my transition though, a still ongoing, journey to a healthier me.

           When I was younger, I often wondered, why there are so many people around the world with failed hopes and dreams now with a little more experience with life, I can guess that those people possibly where the ones that lost hope in their ability and gave up. I pledge to myself that I will not allow any injustice or prejudice I may encounter, pain or suffering I may feel or lack of funds steer me away from my dreams and wants out of life. That I, one day will live out my life the way I would like and to be my main drive in creating my goals to the future. I believe the Summer Medical and Dental Education Program would be a great opportunity for me to get an insight into the vast medical world I crave so much to be included. I truly feel if given, this experience would help me fine tune my goals I have in order to enter into the medical community and long after. The amazing insight this program would give is even more than I can see, I will go in wanting to create new lifelong friendships, a look into the medical field and extra tools to succeed, to coming out cherishing the opportunity that will stay with me for a life time. I hope to hear from you all at SMDEP.

Learning to Accept Yourself

A struggle with my inner self and identity

          Low self-esteem feels like a curse. It controls you, every action you make becomes affected by your low self-esteem and the way you allow people to treat you. Your boundaries slowly fades away so you end up feeling depress and furthermore grasping for all you can get. Now, I haven’t gotten to this point in my life. But I have thought about lowering my standards in life, family and class work.

          Sometimes I feel like just giving up the dream of having “the life”. I’m afraid of commitment, failures and success, which sucks because I feel as if I could really do something if I just believe in myself. All these self-destructive questions start filling my head, “Do I really want to be a nurse?” “Am I smart enough, good enough, efficient enough to be allowed someone’s life in my hands?” And then there’s that devil on the left side of my shoulder egging me onto more pain and disappointment in the long run.

          “Maybe not studying to get an A isn't so bad. Maybe that C- is okay for this one class.” I fall into the trap all the time. “I mean I will be able to make it up…. later.” The ironic thing is that I know what I have to do, work hard-party later, but even knowing that I still make the same mistakes over and over again. I’m on a hedonic treadmill, where every piece of jewelry, every article of clothing no longer can sustain my short lived excitement, the rush of joy that usually engulfs me whenever I go out and shop.

           But not only grades suffer, so does my relationships, particularly my family relationships. Sure I can always make more friends, build new inviting relationships that empower me and allow me the freedom of being myself. I have already started building a close inner circle of people that uplift me and encourage me to do better, but I lack that in my family. You can choose friends but you cannot choose family. You also can choose which family you distanced yourself from but it’s harder when the main culprits live under the same roof as you.

            Put downs, sarcasm, and mean expressions is all too familiar in my house hold. All of this came as a revelation three months ago on my nineteenth birthday. It hit me hard and long and to be honest, with great difficulty. The supposed “isolated incidences”, or “out of ordinary outbursts” were just pieces to the invisible puzzle. Put them all together, and a story begins to unfold. I currently live in a house with my sister and my mother along with several none relatives, my mother, sister and I moved in almost two years ago when I was in eleventh grade.

            The relationships with the other people are insignificant to explain at this time, so I’ll begin with my connection to my sister. My sister have pretty much always been the same nitpicking, flaw highlighting person that she is now, so her behavior isn't far fetched whenever I look back at what happened, what went wrong. We constantly are at each other’s throats, which is how it has been in the past. We no longer fist fight; the last time we fist fought was when I was eleven. So, all things included that was a step in the right direction.

             But the question is whether or not it was an end result of me growing up and no longer wanting to be confrontational. Our fist fights have long been replaced by screaming matches on whether who can say the worst insult this time. This isn't as physically bruising but is definitely more mentally draining. My energy is sapped and I feel even worse than I did last time. My mother, on the other hand have always been my protector, she was usually someone I could go to for anything.

              I felt safe with her, whenever I would watch a scary movie she, not my father, was the person I would run to when I had nightmares. My parents separated when I was eleven. The divorce was finalized when I was thirteen; my father got remarried when I was in ninth grade at the age of fourteen. I strongly believe the constant arguing and fist fights my parents did in front of me have cost me my fair share of grief. I believe this disconnection from my father and the tear of my family was only but the starting point to my already lowered self-esteem.

              With my mother, I started seeing changes in her behavior in regards to me when I was fifteen years old. I never quite understood the meaning behind her ferocity. I can guess a million and one reasons, the stress that comes with financial problems, mental health issues, abusive disposition etc. But in my mind I end up sounding like I’m making excuses for her and her actions. She seem to always want me under a leash, I can’t breathe without having to explain myself.

               I am constantly getting asked questions about who I’m talking with on the phone to where I’m going. And although some general questions are important to answer, I feel my mom goes a step beyond just curiosity or mere concern. On my high school graduation day I was yelled at by her from in the house all the way to FIU. I was kicked out the car and called all types of names like stupid bitch. No one would ever think my mom acts like this in private. People think she’s nice and friendly but whenever she’s upset she turns into a completely different person.

               Another time I've gotten the schizoid/bipolar treatment was on my nineteenth birthday, I had gotten into a stupid argument with my sister, like usual, and my mom took my sister’s side, like usual. In short, I had a ring of keys thrown at my head and threaten to be pushed over the balcony of the upstairs. My birthday was officially ruined. And as my feelings were hurt for the hundredth time, I screamed that I just wanted to stay in the house and not go to the park. One would think my mom would care enough to see if I was okay. Nope, she just marched up stairs and threatened that if I didn't leave with everybody I would get punched.

             So I had to go along while everyone was happy and acting as if nothing happened, I sat in the back of the car, on the verge of tears, my feelings hurt. I spent the rest of the day at the park by myself far away, while the rest happily ate my birthday food and took a piece of my cake.  So I ask this question. How do I ignore people who live in the same house as me? How can I ignore people who demean me and put me down almost every step of the way? My sister constantly questions my intelligence and my mother finds me an untrustworthy person.

             Now that I've thought about it, growing up my parents have always been more of the authoritarian type parents. They governed who my sister and I spoke to, where we were at all times and what we did. Having personal freedom or personal space wasn't an option. In the text book Essential Elements for Effectiveness, an authoritarian parent have a restrictive, punitive style of parenting focusing on following rules and assuming that child is incompetent. Diana Baumrind (1991). My parents kept us in the house, almost every day with minimal contact with the outside world.

             We weren't allowed to go outside and play or have any company over. This has stunted my social development in the past and to a degree, now. The way I interact with people and make friends now is completely different than nine years ago. I hope I continue to excel whenever I meet new people in the future. Now I’m not blaming all of my inadequacies on my parents, siblings or current living situations but at least now I can own up to what’s been bothering me, and finding the pieces to the puzzle that once wouldn't fit.

             Almost daily all of these events run through my head repeating themselves like a movie. And the thoughts, all those thoughts in my head, rummaging around in my brain; trying to find a meaning. The doubts, wants-but missed opportunities, make sense now. They all come together in helping me conclude that I do in fact have low self-esteem. I do not have strong family support, I doubt myself because of all my inner demons, inadequacies, pass experience, and fears of the future all hold me back.

             Controls me in such a way that they have a severe hold on me, that I can’t seem to break out of this cycle.  Now I asked two questions before. How do I ignore people who live in the same house as me? How can I ignore people who demean me and put me down almost every step of the way? Right about now, I’m in survivor mode. The less fights at home the better for my future, my stress levels will be lowered and I would have fewer things to worry about. I need to put total focus on my school work because I don’t have any other responsibility other than graduating college. I do not have any children to be concern with; I don’t have anyone relying on me for financial aid, food or shelter.

             The author Neel Burton, M.D. of the article “Building Confidence and Self-Esteem”, states, “Do more of the things that you enjoy doing. Do at least one thing that you enjoy every day, and remind yourself that you deserve it.” I need to learn about myself, explore what’s out there, what I like to do, what interest me, my hobbies. I have an idea but have never put them into action. I need to learn to like myself, and learn to be by myself without a group of people to get lost inside.

              I recently grasped the fact that I have a personality, I just haven’t recognize it fully yet.  My biggest issue is stepping out of my comforts zone and stop being so self-conscious. If I can get passed that I could be a totally different person then I am now. Only time will tell. _KM

 Psychology of Personal Effectiveness

 December 7, 2013

A child living with domestic violence

    As a child I grew up around domestic violence. Growing up it was very subtle at first and then escalated into a huge fiasco between my parents. The constant fighting, both verbal and physical, became so bad that I use to cry my eyes out wishing and hoping for the day that my parents get a divorce and separate. To this day I still hold some form of resentment towards them. But I'm not going to talk about my mother and father's relationship in this post. I'm going to talk about my mother's current dreadful relationship and how that affects everyone involved. I want to scream at this vile creature of a "man."

I want to stab him and rip his eyes out. Curse him down and tell him exactly what I think about him. How lowly he is in my eyes to the point where he have the same significance as a cockroach, I hate cockroaches. But one thing that infuriates me about my mother's disposition is that even when I would really like to say something towards the jackal, she tells me to remain silent, to not say anything. Boy does that boil under my skin. She is the one telling me not to stick up for her, or myself whenever the piece of you know what says something ridiculous towards me.

What I cannot understand is why she is basically telling me to stay quite. If I see something I am dishearten by, shouldn't I be allowed to speak up? The inability to say anything really gets to me. If he's speaking to my mom in a not so nice way in which I do not appreciate, I should be able to explain my discontent. Instead I look like a hormonal teenager pouting in a corner for no reason. I can hear the questions now, "Why can't this little brat she be happy that the nice man allows her to live in his house?" By staying silent, it means I agree with his behavior or even worst, do not oppose it. I must certainly do.

My mom prevents me from saying what's on my mind and totally disregards my feelings just to save face. That is a problem, a big one. Another is whenever the asshole is around, her whole personality changes. I can clearly see through the act since, in minutes, she'll be back to talking shit about him when he is gone. I can see she despises the monster. She once said that he isn't the same person she first met.

Something around the tune that he's recently changed. Well for one, that asshole can't keep a relationship stable to save his life. He's had so many damn children from so many damn women I cannot even wrap my head around it. He sucks in the romantic department big time and she couldn't see that before? She did, now she just cannot ignore it any longer especially with my sister and I being older and at a stage where we can understand the implications of this horrendous union. Now I am not going to paint my mother as an angelic, innocence woman tormented by this stranger.

She's an adult and have made choices that's been detrimental to not only herself but to the development of my sister and I. My mother is a horrible role model for womanhood, motherhood and person-hood. Is she a horrible person? No but she have some downright despicable qualities. I feel she have low self-esteem and doesn't feel worthy enough to be loved and treated with respect.

I want to use her as a prime example of what not to do when I decide to date. I will use her current life and her life story as a guide on how not to be happy, if I so choose to be a miserable prick. To an extent I understand romantic domestic violence because I've been bullied by my mother as well as other family members. I've faced the ridicule similarly as a person who've receive abuse from an abusive spouse. And although I have never been in a romantic domestic violence case I have been placed in compromising positions. Domestic violence does affect children.

In fact children are the true sufferers because they do not have the will power to get out of the situation for themselves. They suffer the greatest and this is where I believe my mother have failed my sister and I the most. She have time and time again placed my sister and I in situations where we weren't able to speak up when it really mattered. She have allowed us to see these guys, my father and the asshole, treat her like garbage. What does that do to our psyche as little girls, now young women?

Well for one, my sister says she'll probably never get married. That have been a direct correlation with my parents messed up divorce. She says she doesn't see the point of it since most marriages end up in divorce. I'm sure there were cracks in my parents’ marriage way before we were born but the truth still remain that my mother is violent and speaks with words that can seep through your skin. This relationship weighs my mother down in all ways possible. I do not understand why she stays in a loveless relationship with little to no benefits for her overall being.

And her behavior can come full circle back to low self-esteem. I do not believe it is about self-esteem alone but includes low confidence and the dreading of being alone. If you have low confidence in yourself and do not feel you are worthy enough for a viable relationship than clinging on to any sad person who walks into your life seems practical. I will always give partial blame towards my mother because like I said before she isn't quite a saint herself. I do not blame my mother fully because she's always had a very vapid understanding of life. There have never been much between her ears is all I will say.

My mother would rather have a place to sleep than a fully healthy fulfilling relationship. She chooses to live comfortably in a house of turmoil than struggle a little on her own. I guess to her, the whole, been there done that in regards to us living and struggling together is antiquated. This life she's in is a disaster waiting to happen. A lot of women do not live through domestic violence. That is what I'm afraid of. Instead of her looking for loving gratification she instead continues to get step on and be delusional to her dire situation. _KM

It’s all in the name

If you could choose your name what would it be?

 If you do not like your own name, what do you do about it? Change it!!! That’s right, not only celebrities and famous politicians have the right to change their ugly, weird or boring name to another. If your name is Mandy Dicks, and for obvious reasons, you can’t stand your name being shouted out during second period in your English Lit class. When you’re eighteen change that bad boy. Why would you keep going out like a weirdo with such an awful last name, maybe you see yourself more as a Mandy Micheals, or a Mandy Jefferson. You shouldn't have to feel the need to just accept it! My sister hates when I change my name to sound different than it’s originally supposed to me, she pressures me to “say it the right way” as if I owe her something.

 I always tell her I can pronounce my name anyway I please and so should she. The name my parents gave to me on my birth certificate isn't written in stone and it should never be. I should have the liberty as a person to change my name and be called whatever I want, if I want to be JoJo La’Frangual, I should be. But all joking aside to me names can be an interesting conversation starter or just a major head ache. My name is so not me plus it seem to be very hard for newcomers to pronounce. Sigh.

Unlike an Erika, or a Nancy. I chose Kelly not necessarily because it is easy to say but because I’ve always loved the name Kelly, some of the nicest, easy going people are named Kelly. To balance out the commonness of Kelly I wanted a hard core last name. I was drawn towards Hispanic names like Rodriguez, Hernández, Lozada etc. I liked the Hispanic names for their exoticism. Here I am with a common, easy to say, none unique biblical name: Samuel. The name is also English, there’s nothing exotic nor special about being a Samuel.

Now that I think about it as I type, I do not want a name my family inherited from slave masters as well. The Spanish names had a certain ring to it that was better than the too hard to say African names or Middle Eastern names I looked over.

Eventually I felt pairing Kelly with Rodriguez was too common place, so my search continued. Moscato just sort of popped into my head. Kelly Moscato just had a nice feel and ring to it. I believe Moscato is an Italian name also, to my amusement, I found out it’s a name of a wine.

 An Italian last name was right up my alley way since it was exotic, something you wouldn't expect my last name to be when looking at me. I haven’t come up with a middle name just yet but in the future I will. I want a cool middle name as well maybe even a typically guy’s name to excite things up. All in all I want my new alias to flow with ease and grace with a certain sensibility. _KM

Alias Confidential

Hello everyone!

Since this is my first blog ever, I want to introduce myself to you all, my fellow bloggers of the world.  First I’ll start off with my name. My birth name is Wilnesshia Samuel but I sometimes goes under the alias of Kelly Moscato. I find names fascinating and whenever I would meet a person with a unique or quirky name I would always refer back to my own name and feel a little bit let down. Yes my name is unique but I've never felt it really belonged to me.

My name was always confusing for most to say, they would add a letter, take out a letter, mix and match etc. When I was in elementary school, second grade, there was a girl named Leneshia. Her name was spelled cute and sounded just like mine, her nick name was even the same as mine. Everybody in the classroom would get her name mixed up with mine and asked if we were related. I was always the type of person who wanted to be unique and stand out so one could only imagine how frustrating it was to be totally mixed up with another person, I felt my identity was stolen.

 One day someone called me out of my name, the name was spelled differently and it was a lot grittier. That's how the new Wilnesshia was born. Apart of my reclaiming my name I had to change, I had to take away a part of me that was given at birth. I felt that was the price to pay, the name stuck. Names ending is sha's wasn't unusual and very commonplace, it was cool. The pronunciation was normal for them, they could understand it. It seemed to stick with me as well.

My mom now calls me Wilnesshia, pronounce as Will-knee-sha. My dad, who was the one to name me) calls me Wilnesshia, now there’s two ways you can pronounce that. Will-knee-cee-yah or Will-knee-she-uh. I’ve always felt conflicted because at home I was Wil-knee-cee-yah but at school I was Wil-knee-sha. I soon felt disconnected with both names and started imagining myself as a different person with different alias. I was virtually the same person with two different personas, here’s Neicy at home and here’s Willnesha at school.

Around this pivotal time I didn't like either people so my way out was thinking about being a Brittany or a Tiara. As my personality continued to be sculpted I realized that those where boring names and very common, so I became Zanabs, Katarzynas, and Summers throughout my day dreams which transferred into my stories, at this time I were writing stories heavily. And my characters were influence by that. I said all of that to come full circle to the alias, Kelly Moscato. The name Kelly Moscato is my name of the month.

When I introduce myself as Kelly I definitely feel a claim to it unlike my real name, this is a name I own, a name I CALL MYSELF. I chose this name, this name is mine for now. I am very happy with this name right now.

I look forward to continuing blogging and getting better at it. _KM