A struggle with my
inner self and identity
Low self-esteem feels like a curse.
It controls you, every action you make becomes affected by your low self-esteem
and the way you allow people to treat you. Your boundaries slowly fades away so
you end up feeling depress and furthermore grasping for all you can get. Now, I
haven’t gotten to this point in my life. But I have thought about lowering my
standards in life, family and class work.
Sometimes I feel like just giving up
the dream of having “the life”. I’m afraid of commitment, failures and success,
which sucks because I feel as if I could really do something if I just believe
in myself. All these self-destructive questions start filling my head, “Do I
really want to be a nurse?” “Am I smart enough, good enough, efficient enough
to be allowed someone’s life in my hands?” And then there’s that devil on the
left side of my shoulder egging me onto more pain and disappointment in the
long run.
“Maybe not studying to get an A isn't
so bad. Maybe that C- is okay for this one class.” I fall into the trap all the
time. “I mean I will be able to make it up…. later.” The ironic thing is that I
know what I have to do, work hard-party later, but even knowing that I still
make the same mistakes over and over again. I’m on a hedonic treadmill, where
every piece of jewelry, every article of clothing no longer can sustain my
short lived excitement, the rush of joy that usually engulfs me whenever I go
out and shop.
But not only grades suffer, so does
my relationships, particularly my family relationships. Sure I can always make
more friends, build new inviting relationships that empower me and allow me the
freedom of being myself. I have already started building a close inner circle
of people that uplift me and encourage me to do better, but I lack that in my
family. You can choose friends but you cannot choose family. You also can
choose which family you distanced yourself from but it’s harder when the main
culprits live under the same roof as you.
Put downs, sarcasm, and mean
expressions is all too familiar in my house hold. All of this came as a
revelation three months ago on my nineteenth birthday. It hit me hard and long
and to be honest, with great difficulty. The supposed “isolated incidences”, or
“out of ordinary outbursts” were just pieces to the invisible puzzle. Put them
all together, and a story begins to unfold. I currently live in a house with my
sister and my mother along with several none relatives, my mother, sister and I
moved in almost two years ago when I was in eleventh grade.
The relationships with the other
people are insignificant to explain at this time, so I’ll begin with my connection
to my sister. My sister have pretty much always been the same nitpicking, flaw
highlighting person that she is now, so her behavior isn't far fetched whenever
I look back at what happened, what went wrong. We constantly are at each
other’s throats, which is how it has been in the past. We no longer fist fight;
the last time we fist fought was when I was eleven. So, all things included
that was a step in the right direction.
But the question is whether or not
it was an end result of me growing up and no longer wanting to be
confrontational. Our fist fights have long been replaced by screaming matches
on whether who can say the worst insult this time. This isn't as physically
bruising but is definitely more mentally draining. My energy is sapped and I
feel even worse than I did last time. My mother, on the other hand have always
been my protector, she was usually someone I could go to for anything.
I felt safe with her, whenever I
would watch a scary movie she, not my father, was the person I would run to
when I had nightmares. My parents separated when I was eleven. The divorce was
finalized when I was thirteen; my father got remarried when I was in ninth
grade at the age of fourteen. I strongly believe the constant arguing and fist
fights my parents did in front of me have cost me my fair share of grief. I
believe this disconnection from my father and the tear of my family was only
but the starting point to my already lowered self-esteem.
With my mother, I started seeing
changes in her behavior in regards to me when I was fifteen years old. I never
quite understood the meaning behind her ferocity. I can guess a million and one
reasons, the stress that comes with financial problems, mental health issues,
abusive disposition etc. But in my mind I end up sounding like I’m making
excuses for her and her actions. She seem to always want me under a leash, I
can’t breathe without having to explain myself.
I am constantly getting asked
questions about who I’m talking with on the phone to where I’m going. And
although some general questions are important to answer, I feel my mom goes a
step beyond just curiosity or mere concern. On my high school graduation day I
was yelled at by her from in the house all the way to FIU. I was kicked out the
car and called all types of names like stupid bitch. No one would ever think my
mom acts like this in private. People think she’s nice and friendly but
whenever she’s upset she turns into a completely different person.
Another time I've gotten the
schizoid/bipolar treatment was on my nineteenth birthday, I had gotten into a
stupid argument with my sister, like usual, and my mom took my sister’s side,
like usual. In short, I had a ring of keys thrown at my head and threaten to be
pushed over the balcony of the upstairs. My birthday was officially ruined. And
as my feelings were hurt for the hundredth time, I screamed that I just wanted
to stay in the house and not go to the park. One would think my mom would care
enough to see if I was okay. Nope, she just marched up stairs and threatened
that if I didn't leave with everybody I would get punched.
So I had to go along while
everyone was happy and acting as if nothing happened, I sat in the back of the
car, on the verge of tears, my feelings hurt. I spent the rest of the day at
the park by myself far away, while the rest happily ate my birthday food and
took a piece of my cake. So I ask this
question. How do I ignore people who live in the same house as me? How can I
ignore people who demean me and put me down almost every step of the way? My
sister constantly questions my intelligence and my mother finds me an
untrustworthy person.
Now that I've thought about it,
growing up my parents have always been more of the authoritarian type parents.
They governed who my sister and I spoke to, where we were at all times and what
we did. Having personal freedom or personal space wasn't an option. In the text
book Essential Elements for Effectiveness, an authoritarian parent have a
restrictive, punitive style of parenting focusing on following rules and
assuming that child is incompetent. Diana Baumrind (1991). My parents kept us
in the house, almost every day with minimal contact with the outside world.
We weren't allowed to go outside
and play or have any company over. This has stunted my social development in
the past and to a degree, now. The way I interact with people and make friends
now is completely different than nine years ago. I hope I continue to excel
whenever I meet new people in the future. Now I’m not blaming all of my
inadequacies on my parents, siblings or current living situations but at least
now I can own up to what’s been bothering me, and finding the pieces to the
puzzle that once wouldn't fit.
Almost daily all of these events
run through my head repeating themselves like a movie. And the thoughts, all
those thoughts in my head, rummaging around in my brain; trying to find a
meaning. The doubts, wants-but missed opportunities, make sense now. They all
come together in helping me conclude that I do in fact have low self-esteem. I
do not have strong family support, I doubt myself because of all my inner
demons, inadequacies, pass experience, and fears of the future all hold me
back.
Controls me in such a way that
they have a severe hold on me, that I can’t seem to break out of this
cycle. Now I asked two questions before.
How do I ignore people who live in the same house as me? How can I ignore
people who demean me and put me down almost every step of the way? Right about
now, I’m in survivor mode. The less fights at home the better for my future, my
stress levels will be lowered and I would have fewer things to worry about. I
need to put total focus on my school work because I don’t have any other
responsibility other than graduating college. I do not have any children to be
concern with; I don’t have anyone relying on me for financial aid, food or
shelter.
The author Neel Burton, M.D. of
the article “Building Confidence and Self-Esteem”, states, “Do more of the
things that you enjoy doing. Do at least one thing that you enjoy every day,
and remind yourself that you deserve it.” I need to learn about myself, explore
what’s out there, what I like to do, what interest me, my hobbies. I have an
idea but have never put them into action. I need to learn to like myself, and
learn to be by myself without a group of people to get lost inside.
I recently grasped the fact that
I have a personality, I just haven’t recognize it fully yet. My biggest issue is stepping out of my
comforts zone and stop being so self-conscious. If I can get passed that I
could be a totally different person then I am now. Only time will tell. _KM
Psychology of Personal Effectiveness
December 7, 2013
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