As a child I grew
up around domestic violence. Growing up it was very subtle at first and then
escalated into a huge fiasco between my parents. The constant fighting, both
verbal and physical, became so bad that I use to cry my eyes out wishing and
hoping for the day that my parents get a divorce and separate. To this day I
still hold some form of resentment towards them. But I'm not going to talk
about my mother and father's relationship in this post. I'm going to talk about
my mother's current dreadful relationship and how that affects everyone
involved. I want to scream at this vile creature of a "man."
I want to stab him
and rip his eyes out. Curse him down and tell him exactly what I think about
him. How lowly he is in my eyes to the point where he have the same
significance as a cockroach, I hate cockroaches. But one thing that infuriates
me about my mother's disposition is that even when I would really like to say
something towards the jackal, she tells me to remain silent, to not say
anything. Boy does that boil under my skin. She is the one telling me not to
stick up for her, or myself whenever the piece of you know what says something
ridiculous towards me.
What I cannot
understand is why she is basically telling me to stay quite. If I see something
I am dishearten by, shouldn't I be allowed to speak up? The inability to say
anything really gets to me. If he's speaking to my mom in a not so nice way in
which I do not appreciate, I should be able to explain my discontent. Instead I
look like a hormonal teenager pouting in a corner for no reason. I can hear the
questions now, "Why can't this little brat she be happy that the nice man
allows her to live in his house?" By staying silent, it means I agree with
his behavior or even worst, do not oppose it. I must certainly do.
My mom prevents me
from saying what's on my mind and totally disregards my feelings just to save
face. That is a problem, a big one. Another is whenever the asshole is around,
her whole personality changes. I can clearly see through the act since, in
minutes, she'll be back to talking shit about him when he is gone. I can see
she despises the monster. She once said that he isn't the same person she first
met.
Something around
the tune that he's recently changed. Well for one, that asshole can't keep a
relationship stable to save his life. He's had so many damn children from so
many damn women I cannot even wrap my head around it. He sucks in the romantic
department big time and she couldn't see that before? She did, now she just
cannot ignore it any longer especially with my sister and I being older and at
a stage where we can understand the implications of this horrendous union. Now
I am not going to paint my mother as an angelic, innocence woman tormented by
this stranger.
She's an adult and
have made choices that's been detrimental to not only herself but to the
development of my sister and I. My mother is a horrible role model for
womanhood, motherhood and person-hood. Is she a horrible person? No but she
have some downright despicable qualities. I feel she have low self-esteem and
doesn't feel worthy enough to be loved and treated with respect.
I want to use her
as a prime example of what not to do when I decide to date. I will use her
current life and her life story as a guide on how not to be happy, if I so
choose to be a miserable prick. To an extent I understand romantic domestic
violence because I've been bullied by my mother as well as other family
members. I've faced the ridicule similarly as a person who've receive abuse
from an abusive spouse. And although I have never been in a romantic domestic
violence case I have been placed in compromising positions. Domestic violence
does affect children.
In fact children
are the true sufferers because they do not have the will power to get out of
the situation for themselves. They suffer the greatest and this is where I
believe my mother have failed my sister and I the most. She have time and time
again placed my sister and I in situations where we weren't able to speak up when
it really mattered. She have allowed us to see these guys, my father and the
asshole, treat her like garbage. What does that do to our psyche as little
girls, now young women?
Well for one, my
sister says she'll probably never get married. That have been a direct
correlation with my parents messed up divorce. She says she doesn't see the
point of it since most marriages end up in divorce. I'm sure there were cracks
in my parents’ marriage way before we were born but the truth still remain that
my mother is violent and speaks with words that can seep through your skin.
This relationship weighs my mother down in all ways possible. I do not
understand why she stays in a loveless relationship with little to no benefits
for her overall being.
And her behavior
can come full circle back to low self-esteem. I do not believe it is about self-esteem
alone but includes low confidence and the dreading of being alone. If you have
low confidence in yourself and do not feel you are worthy enough for a viable
relationship than clinging on to any sad person who walks into your life seems
practical. I will always give partial blame towards my mother because like I
said before she isn't quite a saint herself. I do not blame my mother fully
because she's always had a very vapid understanding of life. There have never
been much between her ears is all I will say.
My mother would
rather have a place to sleep than a fully healthy fulfilling relationship. She
chooses to live comfortably in a house of turmoil than struggle a little on her
own. I guess to her, the whole, been there done that in regards to us living
and struggling together is antiquated. This life she's in is a disaster waiting
to happen. A lot of women do not live through domestic violence. That is what
I'm afraid of. Instead of her looking for loving gratification she instead
continues to get step on and be delusional to her dire situation. _KM
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