The Calming Peace
Whenever I go outside to sit in the black rocker chair on
the front porch throughout the day a wave of honest calmness washes over me.
The feeling of serenity and peace is fantastic especially when there is a
slight breeze and the afternoon air is cool. I feel at peace, sitting quietly
by myself perhaps with a book on my lap and a warm blanket surrounding my
shoulders. Or maybe with the house dog, Rock, sitting at my heel I feel at one
with nature. Sometimes even when it rains I am still zin.
I do not know what to do; my mind is divided.... I cannot
choose whether one choice is best for me or another. I do not know what the
future holds but I am quite certain that I will have many adventures to come if
I just let go and lose all my inhibitions. I want stability and safety and the
usual routine of a good day in a good part of town. But many times I've heard
that security and stability is nothing but an illusion. I'm told that in order
to get what you want, you have to not plan everything and take life for what it
is.
I am conflicted because I can meticulously plan up to the
smallest detail, then either procrastinate and not do anything or begin the
project and never finish. Routine is expected in my life but when I get into
the motions of living a schedule I get bored.
What I want changes so frequently I often look rather ficker about my
decisions. The problem is that I am not ficker but that I will look at every
option so closely that I will decide something isn't good for me even before I
try it. Now this can be a good thing but on occasion I find this mindset or
basic function very limiting and damnit if I change my mind on something else
one more time I will explode..
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